You are worth so much more than your productivity

 

“You are worth so much more than your productivity”

I saw this on Facebook today and it resonated mostly because I have been struggling for a month with feeling useless. Where does our value come from? What happens when the things that brought purpose are taken away from us? I would love to believe that we matter simply because we are, because we are created in God’s divine image, we matter because we are God’s beloved. That our value isn’t contingent on our abilities.

But I think we are kidding ourselves if we forget we live in a capitalist society, and our ability to do and be productive is ingrained in us from birth. I think I also had a pretty good dose of a good Mennonite work ethic coupled with working hard for the Kingdom of God growing up in a missionary family which has made this season of resting very hard. I routinely have to remind myself, “Your priority for the day is deep rest. Resting is your work.” See what happened there? I had to think of resting in terms of work, cause simply just resting or being, is not enough. I often think about how managing my chronic illnesses is a full time job. But see what that does again? It only makes managing chronic illness important work if its seen as a full time job.

I know this post seems negative or dark but the reality is I do feel a bit useless in society, scooting around on a walker, unable to stand for more than few minutes, people cooking, cleaning and running my errands, being on a medical leave from the group home job. There will be other more hopeful blog posts about how I have reframed this season of my life. But for now, I think it is important to sit with these questions of loss of value, purpose and meaning in life.

This being said, I have managed to keep up my 2 hour a week home care job which reminds me I am needed and I matter. My Chronic Illness support group reminds me that I matter and have made a difference in their lives. The few people that come into my home in a week, remind me I can keep up a conversation (though I have to rest an hour before and after visits), and for a few hours in a week I feel more like myself again.

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