Walking through a Wilderness

Its been my practice since the POTS diagnosis to sit with the little child within, and to reassure them “I am with them. I know this is hard. We will get through this together.” You see, when I was merely 4 years old, my leg was mysteriously paralyzed and I couldn't move for a month. It must have been so disorienting, confusing and lonely. I am well aware of that little child that still lives within me and so when my abilities were drastically reduced, I knew I needed to attend to the little one inside.  I did not know that a chronic health journey would throw me into a deep season of emotional healing as well but we are people of bodies, minds and heart. Perhaps physical healing is not separate from emotional healing as is separated in my medical system. I am on a journey of integration and yes I want to be made physically well again, I also deeply desire to be made whole.  I wonder if the more integrated I am with myself the deeper I will be able to sense God’s presence with...

  Loss Over the last months, there have been losses so I thought it would help to list them, acknowledging them. Loss of ability (scoot on walker now) Loss of beloved group home job that brought joy and meaning   Loss of ability to walk more than 2 minutes Loss of time and energy in my day with becoming severe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (3 hours of usable hours in a day) Loss of ability to do most anything without heart rate going out of range (eating, sitting up, driving, simple exercises, talking are all affected) Loss of being apart of things I once loved (book group, church small group) Loss of energy to do anything for more than an hour In the chronic illness world, I have been introduced to the idea of ambiguous loss. I live with uncertainty, whether some of my ability and energy will come back. Ambiguous loss makes closure hard and its all unknown.  What I do know is that loss has been very real over these last months, also living with the unknowns a...

  “You are worth so much more than your productivity” I saw this on Facebook today and it resonated mostly because I have been struggling for a month with feeling useless. Where does our value come from? What happens when the things that brought purpose are taken away from us? I would love to believe that we matter simply because we are, because we are created in God’s divine image, we matter because we are God’s beloved. That our value isn’t contingent on our abilities. But I think we are kidding ourselves if we forget we live in a capitalist society, and our ability to do and be productive is ingrained in us from birth. I think I also had a pretty good dose of a good Mennonite work ethic coupled with working hard for the Kingdom of God growing up in a missionary family which has made this season of resting very hard. I routinely have to remind myself, “Your priority for the day is deep rest. Resting is your work.” See what happened there? I had to think of resting in terms of...

Perhaps it would be more apt to name this blog, “resting” or “scooting” through a wilderness, but walking through a wilderness sounds better. Also it is my hope that I may be able to walk again some day and so maybe I name this blog in defiant hope. In mid June, it became apparent my heart rate was shooting up from merely standing and 3 minute walks in my place. I remember that week, my Mom holding vigil with me from my day bed, waiting to see my family doctor to see if the POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) diagnosis I suspected was a reality. Two doctors confirmed my suspicion and it has been life altering. The prognosis I heard about this disease was really disheartening and I remember crying as I drove home from the doctors. With Mike Janzen’s Psalms CD playing in my car, “Still I am with you” as a refrain, even with the heartbreak, sorrow and fear, I felt a profound sense of God’s presence. I came home and cried with my Mom giving the devastating news.   I thin...